BREAKING NEWS: Russell Wilson Wakes Up Today No Longer A Virgin

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Ladies and gentleman, I introduce to you, Russell Wilson, no longer a virgin.

The Seattle Seahawks Super Bowl quarterback is widely known amongst fans for his belief in chastity, a practice seemingly dying out today and unfamiliar to the culture of football players in our society.

Though there have been rumors that there’s “no chance” Wilson had remained a virgin until wifing up pop star Ciara Wednesday, it seems true.

The couple held their wedding at a castle in Liverpool, England yesterday with family and close friends in attendance, no cell phones allowed.

The two looked fairly disappointed too the morning after, as captured by paparazzi. That’s why you test drive a car before you buy it!

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Russell Wilson, now more than a year removed from infamously not being able to punch in it from the 1-yard line in Super Bowl 49, can finally do so in the bed room.


  1. The Daily Snark intern who wrote this article is probably too young to remember that Russell was once married before, about 3-4 years ago…

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