REPORT: Chip Kelly Frantically Looking For Good 49ers Players To Trade Away, Can’t Find Any

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SANTA CLARA, CA – The term ‘shot themselves in the foot’ gets tossed around a bunch. We thought, ‘go buy a shotgun, forget your foot, and shoot yourselves in the face’ was more appropriate for the 49ers decision to fire Jim Harbaugh a year ago. While the khaki god Harbaugh has turned a struggling Michigan football program around, the 49ers are sitting in a sh*thole of a mess, with half their roster retired and Ron Jeremy having been fired as head coach. Did anyone really expect JIM TOMSULA of all people to last more than a year in San Fran. Might have been better off hiring El Chapo has head coach for last season.

But today makes a new era in the football team’s future. The Chip Kelly era. The former Eagles coach was fired just three years in Philly out of Oregon, to which Eagles fans were elated. Kelly actually didn’t fair too bad in the NFL, finishing over .500 for all three years and making the playoffs, but in a dumpster fire of an NFC East, that won’t cut it, especially for the boo happy fans of Philadelphia.

Kelly was fired after a dismal offseason (and following season) year which basically entailed trading away the teams best players and telling the fans to “trust the system.” Kelly sent the leagues top rusher and the perfect fit in his offense, LeSean McCoy packing, as well as their QB Nick Foles, who faired well as QB for the team. The players he went out and got in return were even more head scratching, a DeMarco Murray who is the polar opposite of the RB that fits into the running game Kelly’s play calling, and a Sam Bradford who is basically only walking because of modern medicine. And as we know now, that didn’t work. Didn’t work at all.

Upon being hired in San Francisco, Kelly had not even gotten on a plane to head back to the bay to which he asked owner Jed York for a roster. The coach reportedly took out a red pen to circled all of the 49ers existing good players to mark off which would be traded, to which he got to the bottom and noticed nothing was marked. Frantic he double checked, and went back through a third time, sweating and bitting his pen, but once again, perplexed he couldn’t circle one.

We aren’t sure how Chip kelly will fair in San Francisco, but it seems like he’ll have to tweak his master plan, trading Alcatraz in exchange for Marcus Mariota, along with 4 other former Ducks. Trust the system!

3 COMMENTS

  1. Snarky at best, el stupido at probable. In addition to the twenty minutes you spent thinking up half-baked “cleverity”, have you done anything in your life which could be considered acceptable on a public street? …..I thought not. “When drivel is accepted as wisdom, then will be the end of days”.

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