NEWTON, MA – Tom Brady’s couch cushions are a bit deflated tonight. Why? Because he’s sitting on them back at the house while his Patriots are in Arizona battling the Cardinals in their first game.
Brady, who’s suspended for allegedly deflating footballs will have to sit out a league mandated for games.
After a pregame warmup of watching Eli win again, his showing in the first half has been strong, with Brady going for two couch changes, one bathroom break and three beers in the first half. According to insiders, he intended on only two beers, but opted for another when one turned out to be flat. He’s also added in a tampon change, 17 nacho chips and a half a box of Cheate.. we mean Wheates.
One of the guidelines set for the suspension is tat Brady must not have any interaction with teammates, so instead of hanging out with Gronk who’s also back home, Brady is watching the game with his other tight end, Gisele.
According to sources, Roger Goodell is spending his night at the league office with his panties in a bunch monitoring Brady with at his home with Aaron Hernandez’s old seized security cameras making sure he doesn’t do anything else illegal. Don’t want to cost Tom anymore cellphones when you don’t have to.