DENVER, CO – John Elway has been shitting his pants since about 1:00 PM MT today when Brock Osweiler hit him and the Broncos and their fans with a roundhouse kick out of nowhere, choosing to sign with the Houston Texans for a contract worth $72 million, 31 of those M’s guaranteed. Osweiler was expected by most to resign with the Super Bowl champions, now having the reins with Peyton Manning now retired.
Upon hearing the news, Elway, the Broncos Vice President of Football Operations frantically phoned Manziel who was too hungover to string sentence together. According to sources Brett Favre then called before any news was even broke voicing his want to come back and play but lost cellular connection from his tree stand. Elway then thought to redial Tebow, but midway through, came up with a better option…to play QB himself.
With a late lead, the Broncos were contacted by Tom Condon who had a client who was interested in the job. The 6 foot 5 inch 230-pound CFL veteran QB named Meyton Panning seemed to have all the intangibles, and oddly enough picked up the Broncos offensive scheme and playbook from just a short talk with Elway over the phone.
Though 39, the Broncos believe Panning will serve as a fit placeholder with the stout defense of theirs until the next draft, where there will likely be more highly touted college prospects.