Bears Trade Jay Cutler To Local McDonald’s, Will Make In Upwards Of $7.25/Hour


CHICAGO, IL – Jay Cutler is the hottest quarterback on the ‘nobody wants’ me free agency market this NFL offseason, and teams are scrambling over trying to avoid him.

The Bears found themselves in a predicament where they will either trade the 34-year old, or attempt to find a trade parter.

That trade partner has been found. Despite reports that the Beckerson Flag Football League for the Blind was making a push for Cutler, ESPN’s Adam Schefter is reporting that the Bears and McDonald’s have come to an agreement to swap him for an order of small fries.


Cutler will make in upwards of minimum wage, a slight decrease from his $2.5 million/per year contract he is currently under.

Steve Easterbrook, McDonald’s CEO says the fast food chain will eat the rest of Cutler’s contract, extending this year’s release of the McRib to re-coupe the losses.

“It was either fries or nothing, honestly, Bears GM Ryan Pace told reporters in a short press conference following the announcement. “The Jets wants to trade us Geno Smith, which we declined. They keep calling us asking if we’ll just take him anyway. Like calling us every 5 minutes.”

“The Cardinals offered us a sack of footballs, but fries? football? Let’s be honest here.

Easterbrook says the team is looking forward to getting Cutler to their facilities and getting him trained.

“We’re looking to keep him on the burger line, we just can’t have any orders getting intercepted when they’re passed out of the window.”