From: Eligible Receiver
Makeda and I have pretty big plans for Halloween. They involve drinking lots of our favorite wine, watching Hocus Pocus and eating banana bread and candy. We decided to get a little more wild and give a Halloween present to all of our dear readers. We’ve scoured the interwebs to find the best pictures of NFL players in various Halloween costumes and as a real present, we’ve shared our expert commentary on these photos. Happy Halloween from Eligible Receiver!
WARNING: Some of the photos below will give you nightmares. Proceed at your own will.
Player: Bill Belichick (Head coach, Patriots)
Lauren: -100. This should come with a NSFL tag because it’s not suitable for anyone. I wish I had never seen this.
Makeda: -20 points for recycling this costume, which he first wore in 2009. Except…do you kind of get the feeling this isn’t much of a costume? Like, maybe he was a real pirate in another life? +10 for selling it, you old crazy.
Player: Reggie Bush (RB, Lions) (+ Kim Kardashian, ugh)
Costume: Roaring ’20s
Lauren: -15. Yeah, right. Like I’m going to give positive points to Reggie Bush OR my least favorite Kardashian (including Kris).
Makeda: 3. If the opposite of love is indifference, then I am indifferent as SHIT toward the Kardashians. If this were for a random theme party, I’d give them a 7.5 for a well-coordinated couples’ costume, but for Halloween, I expect more creativity.
Player: Stevie Johnson (WR, Bills)
Costume: Bills coach Chan Gailey
Lauren: 2. Honestly I had no opinions on this. I thought it was creative and kind of funny to dress up as the coach (thus the 2 points), but wasn’t sure overall. I asked my Bills friend for his opinion and it went as follows:
Me: “What are your thoughts on this?”
Well played, sir. Stevie, you get a 2.
Makeda: 1. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming there is a better joke in here than, “Get it? I’m an NFL coach! Look at me waving papers because I was too lazy to find a clipboard!!” But I’m pretty sure there isn’t.
Player: Ray Rice
Costume: Thing 1
Lauren: 3. A Thing 1 always needs a Thing 2, not a quasi-mobster in a bad suit. Also, why is there blood all over the wall? I repeat, WHY IS THERE BLOOD ALL OVER THE WALL? I’m sure it’s a Halloween party but not ok.
Makeda: 3. What Lauren said. Also, if you told me they were standing in front of an original Jackson Pollock as opposed to a bizarrely blood-splattered wall, I would believe you. I really don’t get modern art.
Player: Aaron Rodgers (QB, Packers)
Costume: I have no idea.
Lauren: 4. I’m taking points away because of the fake stash. Rodgers has way too good of a real stash to use a bad fake one like this. Also, WHAT IS THIS COSTUME? American flag bandana FTW, but with a karate costume? Also, that cell phone holster is so dated, Rodgers.
Makeda: 3. There MUST be a reference that I’m not getting. There’s too much going on here for there not to be. But…I’m so confused. The black eye, the blacked out tooth, the bandanna, the karate uniform? There IS a reason for all this, right?? Help us out, readers!!
Players: Richie Incognito (G, Dolphins), Jake Long (OT, Rams)
Costumes: Batman & Superman
Lauren: 7. Points taken away for boring costumes, but points added for BFF costumes because lord knows I love a good NFL BFF. Are guards and tackles normally friends? I didn’t even know how to abbreviate those positions, so I don’t know but I’m hoping for a Witten-Romo level of love.
Makeda: Eh. 5. I love me a good bromance, but come on, you’re NFL players. Those salaries can’t do any better than store-bought padded costumes? Batman doesn’t even have any cool toys in his utility belt. Weak sauce. P.S. Can we talk about Michael Myers photobombing them? That guy gets a 8.
Player: Thomas DeCoud (FS, Falcons)
Costume: Fresh Prince
Lauren: 6. Is FS a free safety? Fashionable sir? Funky squire? Unclear. The costume is cool, but I’d like if it he was looking a little less bitter and a little more funky in the picture. Also, carrying that boom box around all night would get annoying.
Makeda: Uh, hello, you are the one who created the format of listing the players’ teams and positions! How is FS unclear?? I’m giving him a 6.5 because I agree with your assessment but would also like to give him props for the super 90s graffiti t-shirt. Nice touch.
Players: Kansas City Chiefs
Lauren: 9. This is terrifying, truly scary. The only reason I don’t give it a complete 10 is because it’s an old picture and anytime before this year the Chiefs were not at all terrifying or scary.
Makeda: 4. Seriously, Lauren? They get credit for coordination, but that’s about it. Do you not remember the Scream movies? They’re not actually scary. And this is coming from a girl who still has a very real fear that Chucky could be hiding under her bed. (HE COULD BE. YOU DON’T KNOW.)
Player: Cam Newton (QB, Panthers)
Costume: The prettiest angel in the world
Lauren: 6.75. I liked this costume a lot more last year when I thought it was just Cam Newton. That weird nurse creeps me out. If that’s a teammate, then no wonder no one wants to root for the Panthers.
Makeda: 7. Awww, Cam. So pretty. I appreciate the commitment here. There is no reason for him to be in knee-highs, but he’s owning them. In fact, he’s owning them so hard I can pretend his insanely creepy little friend doesn’t even exist. Well played, sir.
Player: Aaron Rodgers (QB, Packers)
Costume: Dumb & Dumber
Lauren: 8, but only because I’ve never seen that whole movie (pleasedon’thateme)
Makeda: 6. I’ve also never seen the movie (solidarity!), but I have seen this costume a MILLION times. Points off for unoriginality.
Player: Tom Brady (QB, Patriots)
Costume: Cowardly Lion
Lauren: In Brady’s eyes, this outfit gets a 1. In everyone else’s this is a perfect 10 because what better costume for a wimpy crybaby?
Makeda: 7. I just…I get that when your wife is Gisele, you do whatever she tells you to do. And it is a good costume. But he couldn’t have negotiated his way into the Tin Man? C’mon, man!!
Player: Adrian Peterson (RB, Vikings)
Lauren: 8. I mean, it’s kind of awesome that he doesn’t need fake muscles to be the Hulk. The only way I could like it more is if AP’s costume was just AP because COME ON.
Makeda: 8. It’s more than kind of awesome that AP doesn’t need fake muscles to be the Hulk. It’s incredibly awesome. This is the kind of creativity I was looking for from our superhero friends above. Yet again, AP makes everyone else look bad.
Player: Prescott Burgess (LB, Ravens)
Lauren: 9.5 only because I went a fireman formal on Saturday night and this BURLY man is exactly what I was imagining to be there. Sadly, I was mistaken but thanks to Mr. Burgess I can get back to my lovely imaginations again.
Makeda: 6.5. First, let’s not gloss over the fact that Lauren was invited to a fireman formal and fully expected to be served hors d’oeuvres by firemen dressed like this — minus the jacket. Come on now. Anyway, points for the shirtless factor and the authentic feel. Solid effort.
Player: Joe Flacco (QB, Ravens)
Costume: Pauly D, Jersey Shore
Lauren: 7. I don’t know what this says about me, but this is the most attractive I’ve ever found Joe Flacco.
Makeda: 9. When I first looked at this photo, my reaction was, “Is that JOE FLACCO?? What is he wearing? What did he do to his hair?! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!?!” Then I realized it was a Halloween costume. So congratulations for scaring the shit out of me, Joe. Happy Halloween indeed. (I am ignoring the part where Lauren is attracted to this look. *shudder*)
Players: LeGarrette Blount, Aqib Talib, Brandon Spikes (RB, CB, LB, Patriots)
Costume: SWAT team member, I DON’T EVEN KNOW, another pirate
Lauren: 9. My nightmares are now going to be composed of Talib AND Belichick, so thanks for that.
Makeda: 9.5. Holy shit, Talib. HOLY SHIT. I can’t even look at this picture for more than three seconds at a time without freaking out. It’s going to take me weeks to recover from this.
Player: Drew Brees (QB, Saints)
Costume: Iron Man
Lauren: A 10, a 10, a fucking 10! This is NPH’s family level of cuteness.
Makeda: Lauren and I were fully prepared to give this family a 10 based on the first photo alone. But then I discovered that Baylen and Drew were MATCHING IRON MEN, and then my ovaries exploded and I died from the cute. And yes, that is the same kid from this Super Bowl photo. Seriously, people. I DIE. Can I give them 100 on a scale of 1 to 10? Good, because I just did.
Player: Christian Ponder (QB, Vikings)
Costume: Squints from The Sandlot
Lauren: THANK YOU DAN SLACTER FOR BRINGING THIS TO MY LIFE. 1,000,000,000. Plus 100,000,000,000 more. I adore this. Best couple costume ever.
Makeda: THIS IS SO GOOD IN SO MANY WAYS. I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. NO, I WILL NOT STOP USING CAPS. INFINITY POINTS. INFINITY POINTS!!!! FOR. EV. ER.
Player: OMG NFL BABIES!!!
Costume: Mike Ditka (random Bears fan’s kid), Superman & Batman (DeMarcus Ware’s kids), Cowboys cheerleader (Witten’s girl!)
Lauren: In case you weren’t already melting, Ware captioned this on Instagram: “Happy Halloween from me & my superheros.” COME ON.
Makeda: I mean. I can’t. Just look at this. LOOK AT ALL THE CUTENESS. Excellent parenting all around.
From: Eligible Receiver