‘Twas the Night Before NBA Christmas 2015


‘Twas the night before NBA Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature

was stirring, not even Tony Parker and someone’s spouse. The nets were hung

on the rims with care, in hopes that tip-off soon would be there.


Doug Collins is nestled all snug in his bed, while visions of coaching MJ danced

in his head. And Mark Jackson with his hand down, and Jalen with his bat, Van

Gundy closed his sleepy eyes for a long pregame nap.

When out on the court, Steph Curry brought a clatter, the MVP’s shot sprung

through the air, defying space and matter. With thoughts of Klay scoring 30 in a

flash, and hopes of Draymond talking excessive trash.

Chris Bosh prances and paws like a fancy figure skater, Whiteside is nasty down

low like an ornery gator. Dwyane Wade’s shot silently drops like new-fallen

snow, but Anthony Davis has luster to be a tough foe. When, what to my

wondering eyes should appear, but an embattled coach emerged from thin air….

With a penchant to choke late in games with a quiver, I knew in a moment it must

be Doc Rivers. More rapid than eagles his Clippers they came, and he whistled,

and shouted, and called them by name!

“Now, Griffin! now, Crawford! now Paul Pierce and CP3! On, DeAndre! on,

Reddick! on, Josh Smith and Prigioni! From the first whistle to the last bounce of

the ball! Now flop away! Flop away! Flop away all!

And a hurricane is coming as I look up above. LeBron is the eye of the storm and

he’s brought Kevin Love. Cavs don’t have the desire to remain number 2, they’re

now at full strength with the return of Uncle Drew.  

And then, in a twinkling, I heard from afar, the Thunder seem ready for a

basketball war. As Ibaka turns shots in the other direction, underused Kanter

fights for Billy Donovan’s attention.

Westbrook is dressed like a hipster, from his head to his toe, his clothes and his

shot selection are stealing the show. As Durant heads to the arena, searching for

the title that he lacks, he looks like a child, still wearing backpacks.

Russell and Randle’s futures are looking so bright, but watching the Lakers is a

horrific sight. But Kobe’s the real story, his last Xmas game. He’s certain to throw

air balls up with no shame. And his legacy tarnished with each errant shot; no

chance on this day he’ll find a way to get hot.

No Mavs on Xmas, Mark Cuban is slapping his head. Their roster is older than

Dale from The Walking Dead. And Ray Felton has a disgusting round belly,

that shakes when he shoots, like a bowlful of jelly!

While in Houston, James Harden‘s beard continues to grow, as Dwight

Howard sulks with each errant free throw. Ty Lawson hands out turnovers like

presents to others, because as a good Christian he gives to his brothers.

Kawhi Leonard hears laughter when you look at his hair, but his defense has

opponents shuttering in fear. Tim Duncan spoke not a word, but went straight to

his work. Coach Pop scowled in an interview, looking like a real jerk. And bending

over to display a large bald spot, Manu uses the glare to distract his foes’ shots.

Jimmy Butler puts in work, proving he’s no rookie, while with frazzled hair and

scary screams, Pau Gasol resembles a Wookie. DRose looks eagerly at stockings

with his hands in a clench, wishing that Santa brings him a new suit to wear on

the bench. 

The refs sprang to mid-court, to the players gave a whistle, and away they all

jumped like an anti-ballistic missile. Then Adam Silver exclaimed, as he used his

ears to fly out of sight, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”

Cole has been writing with Daily Snark since 2012. He was an early contributor in basketball, writing satire articles. He enjoys the NBA, NFL and NCAA sports. Only likes to be photographed wearing his shades. A big Grateful Dead fan.